Conviction
by Sailor Elysia
Summary: Arima must convince himself of his true nature... with Miyazawa's help.


Disclaimers: Kare Kano copyright Gainax and other related enterprises. All other disclaimers apply. 

Conviction   
By Elysia [ely_chan@yahoo.com]   
PG 

  
  


_'I know I can trust her. Miyazawa would never betray me... she would never leave me...'_ The thoughts whirled around in Arima Souichirou's head as he stared from the shadows at the figures of Miyazawa Yukino and Tonami Takefumi as they talked and laughed in the hallway. 

With school activities and the Cultural Festival just around the corner, he and Miyazawa had hardly spent any time together. He was lucky he had this moment of free time to see her, be with her. Right now, he had the urge to sneak up behind her and hold her tight. After the one day she chewed him out for not being as open about his feelings as she was, he made it a point to show everything to her, even though it had taken him a long time to finally do so. But because Takefumi was there, he couldn't. He had to be the reserved Arima when he was in public. 

He stared at her again, talking animatedly about something with Tonami. Miyazawa got along with everyone that crossed her path, even if she had been enemies with them at the beginning. 

Hideaki Asaba. Shibahime Tsubasa. Isawa Maho. All of them had hated her before because she was... but then, Miyazawa began to drop her 'perfect' act, and found the ability to shape the person underneath the mask. It was that person that everyone was attracted to, Arima included. And now he was beginning to think that even Takefumi was also attracted to her. 

"...I don't like you either, but I think we're friends anyway," he overheard Tonami saying. Arima's eyes darkened slightly as he watched Miyazawa smile and agree with him. Two years ago, Tonami Takefumi was a pudgy, red-cheeked little boy who was easily teased by his classmates. He was no longer that vulnerable little boy. 

He didn't think it was so strange that he loved Miyazawa, only the fact that she loved him back was strange. It was around that time that Arima started to hate himself. He hated everything about himself, everything he had become in spite of his efforts to forget his former self. He despised the way he was, the fact that his relatives shunned him because of the parents who abandoned him, that his current parents went through so much to protect him. 

But most of all, he feared his childhood. He was frightened he was slowly becoming like the parents that abused him and didn't want him; afraid that in the end, everyone would leave him, and scared that the loneliness that sometimes crept up behind him would eventually consume him. He wasn't so sure about anything anymore. 

As he stared at Miyazawa and Tonami in the hallway, the fear began to rise again. The fear that eventually, she too would leave him. She had already seen his spontaneous bursts of anger, the most recent after he returned from the kendo Inter-Cup and she was acting so strangely towards him. Even though all of that had been resolved shortly after, the way his temper so easily flared up scared him. And he could see in Miyazawa's eyes that it frightened her too. What if she couldn't stand to be near him anymore, fearing that he could lash out again at any moment? 

Arima could not deal with that nightmare of a reality. He needed Miyazawa so much more than she probably needed him. She was the only one to see pass his facade after he saw through hers. Miyazawa was truly amazing. The way she got along with the other boys in their class made his jealous side boil over at times. But no matter how much he wanted to, Arima would not let his dark emotions consume him. He couldn't. 

Miyazawa was the key to it all. She knew Arima better than he knew himself. That was why he was afraid to lose her. If he didn't know who he was, how could he afford to lose the only person that did? Instead of rounding the corner to confront her and Tonami like a normal person, Arima turned around and walked back up the stairs, the imaginary black cloud of jealousy and doubt trailing behind him. 

****** 

Yukino knew something strange was going on with Arima. Ever since the planning for the Cultural Festival started, and when she reluctantly agreed to perform Aya-chan's play, she hadn't been able to see Arima as much as she wanted. 

That still didn't explain his strange behavior. It was almost as if he had begun to revert to the old Arima, the one before they had been friends, been more than friends, and even to the point of.... she blushed brightly and started to fan herself off. Yes, even with that. But he was still so stoic and extremely shy! 

But she loved him for all that he was. She loved him even more for all that he tried to be. Yukino was glad Arima wasn't perfect. It made her imperfections seem insignificant. She lived for him now; before Arima came along, the only thing she cared about was being number one in everything. Now she had two things to care about. So if Arima wasn't happy, neither was she. 

As she ran down the hallway, the thought suddenly came to her. It was time to confront Arima about all this before it was too late. She threw open the door to the classroom, and sure enough, Arima was there, sitting in the back corner engrossed in a thick book. He hadn't heard her enter the room, which Yukino used to her advantage. 

"A-ri-ma!" she sang out happily as she approached his desk. The man in question looked up from the book, obviously startled. "Mi--Miyazawa!" he exclaimed, dropping the book, and a tell-tale blush rising on his face. "What are you doing here?" 

"Looking for you," she replied simply. Yukino loved to make Arima blush. "I wanted to talk to you." 

"Talk? About what, Miyazawa?" 

Yukino sat on top of the desk in front of Arima in a very unladylike manner, but she didn't care. "Oh, I don't know... about everything I guess. You... me... us." 

Arima was out of his chair in a flash, still blushing. He placed a hand behind his head and laughed, trying to relieve the seriousness of the situation. "Why would we need to talk about..." he gulped, "us?" 

Yukino remained on the desk, looking up at Arima who now towered over her. "I'm worried about you, Arima... you haven't seemed yourself lately, and I wondered if it had anything to do with me." 

"It was never you, Miyazawa," he said quietly. "It was always me." 

Yukino reached out and took Arima's hand. "Then what can I do to help you?" His eyes widened but said nothing as he held onto Miyazawa's hand firmly, as if it were his only link to finding himself. Yukino noticed this, and tugging on his hand, she brought him into her embrace. "Daijobu, Arima..." she whispered. "You'll always have me." 

"Miyazawa..." was the only thing Arima said as he clung to her. 

Suddenly the door to the classroom flung open and a familiar figure announced his presence. "Souichiroooou-kun!" The two figures in the corner looked up, embarrassed as Asaba made his way over to them. 

"Hideaki," Arima began slowly, slightly annoyed, "how did you know where I was?" 

Asaba grinned brightly, his white teeth standing out from the rest of his tanned body. "I ALWAYS know where you are, Souichirou-kun! You can't hide from me!" Suddenly he looked from Arima to Yukino, then back to Arima again. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" 

Both Arima and Yukino sighed loudly. "Asapin," Yukino started, "Arima and I need to talk about a few things. Alone," she threw in before the other boy could object. 

Asaba pouted for a moment, then as he glanced at Arima again, he nodded. "Okay... just don't get too kinky in here!" He left the room, laughing at their embarrassed expressions. 

Yukino stared at the red-faced Arima and giggled. "He wasn't serious, you know." 

Arima gulped. "I know. I never take Hideaki seriously." 

She looked down at her hands, then back up at him. "Arima... I feel like we've been growing apart lately, and not just because of the Cultural Festival. What's wrong?" 

Arima was silent for a moment. "I don't know," he said finally, unable to look at Miyazawa, but the truth was, he did know a little, but he didn't want to ever think of it. 

At that moment, Yukino leaned her head against Arima's chest, listening for his familiar heartbeat. Familiar because it beat in time with hers. "Ohhh, how I love you, Arima..." 

He blushed wildly. "Mi--Miyazawa!" he exclaimed, pulling away. "What if someone hears you?" 

Yukino pulled him to her in response. "I don't care. All that matters is how I feel about you, how you feel about me, but most importantly, how you feel about yourself." 

"Myself?" 

She nodded. "It isn't enough just to love someone, Arima. You have to love yourself too. I know this because when all I cared about was being at the top and perfecting my looks, I forgot to perfect what was inside." Yukino smiled gently. "You were so busy trying to do the same thing because you wanted to forget where you came from. That will always be a part of you, but it belongs in your past, not in your present. Let go of that pain." 

"I don't think I can," Arima choked on his words. "I've always been told I was no good, that no one wanted me, that I would never amount to anything. I've always hated myself." 

Yukino tenderly laid a hand against Arima's cheek. "What about your parents? I know they aren't your first parents, but they love you and want what's best for you. So do your friends. So do I." "I'll never be good enough to make my family proud." She shook her head. "Don't worry about them right now. I want to know if you think you are good enough for you. I'm already convinced that you are the best Arima. Why not try to convince yourself?" 

Arima's eyes widened. "Me?" He stared at Miyazawa, looking for an answer, but she just calmly stood there, gazing right back at him. 'She has so much faith in me... why?' He closed his eyes and began to search within himself. 'I must do this for Miyazawa... no, for myself as well.' 

As he relived the painful memories of his childhood, Arima began to see the days after, when he was first taken in by his new parents. He could see the love in their eyes as they cared for him, something he had never noticed before. He skimmed over memories of friends, of the success he had in school, and finally, his relationship with Miyazawa. All of these things began to outweigh the horrors of his past. Maybe Miyazawa was right. Maybe he really could overcome his fears and learn to love himself. 

And somewhere deep inside Arima's soul, a little boy dried his tears. 

  



End file.
